Mini Diva Meltdown

I seriously love my kids. They are my heart outside my body. So, when the heart outside of my body in the form of my mini diva looks like this:

or this:

instead of this:

then you will have no question as to why I look like this while dragging her out of the library when she's screaming at me:

That's right. I look like a crazy person smiling to detract observers from catching on to how insanely embarrassed and shocked I am to be walking a normally temperate child screaming "nooooo!!!" out of the local dollar store. (But not nearly as nice-I'm saving the environment by only washing my hair every two.. three.. maybe four days.)

The kid is trying to drive me nuts. Two days in a row now I've had to take her adorable but absolutely bratty behaving self out of a store or library because she refused to stop pouting, talking back, or just being obnoxious. I love her to bits and pieces, but if she doesn't stop I'm going to have to start hunting wild boars to relieve some stress. Kidding! I'll just spend her college savings on make up and shoes.

In case you were wondering this is what I normally look like:

Riiiiight....

Dogs and Babies

So, how wrong is it that I equate dogs with babies? Like the same rules apply for both. Food on the floor? Don't worry! The baby will get it. Don't give the baby chocolate; it makes babies sick! Who peed on the floor!?! It was the baby. Don't let the baby sleep in your bed/jump on furniture: you'll never break him of that habit. And I honestly had the thought to give the baby a chicken bone but rejected that thought once I "remembered" that babies could choke and die on a chicken bone. Like dogs.

This is the mini diva when she was extra mini. She loved hanging out with her uncles Hans and Marcus when she visited Grandma's house.

A better picture of the mini and her uncles, which she used to call "bark barks." 

Funny story: she was asked by one of the girls at church yesterday when she was going to get her own dog. She responded with this gem: "When I get rid of my brother." 

Look at my little Larry, proving his momma wrong! He can eat chocolate.

Thankfully, my husband corrected me. Turns out babies can eat people food, even chocolate! And that I can fix him his own plate instead of making him beg for scraps. At least I resisted buying him that super cute dog bed and allowed him his own bed. But I draw the line at him chewing on the furniture.

Y'all.. I've been grumpy today. Okay, for the past week. And feeling totally uninspired. I've just been feeling so blah. How about you? How are you feeling?

With me feeling so off kilter I've been thinking about what drives or motivates me. Is it how I feel? Is it hormonal? Or am I driven by my family/friends? Or am I driven by the need to be better than my predecessors? It's often a combination of all of the above. But the thing about being motivated or driven to "do" by my feelings is that emotions are so fickle and are not often to be trusted. Yes, deal with the emotion and experience it; but I've learned that I am better off to not let it control me. What about my hormones? Don't get me started on that one. I just have to ignore every thought in my head to survive those surges. (Considering everyone in my house and within my reach is still alive, I think I'm doing a great job. Ha!) Being driven to please those around me or to at least avoid disappointing them doesn't work: they don't even always know what they want, how am I supposed to know what is going to make them happy with me?And that drive to be better than my mother and her mother before her.. believe it or not, that won't work either. 

It boils down to me just finding a way to be happy to be me and to strive to just be a better me. And yes, most importantly, to please God. I can't even please myself most of the time. In the end of this life, when I'm on my death bed, it won't matter to me if I made everyone happy all of the time. It won't matter if I kept house better or worse than my neighbor. What will matter is how I pleased my God and if I lived to my potential; not if I pleased other people and lived up to what I think they thought I should do or become. It will matter to me if I enjoyed the life and time I was given and didn't constantly double guess myself. I want to take chances, to dream big and take leaps. Ah.. that is so against my nature and upbringing. But it's what I want to instill in my children and those who follow me: I want them to be unafraid to fail. And since I firmly believe in teaching by example; I must unlearn to listen to the voice that tells me to stay in my comfort zones.

I hope this ramble made sense. I'm still trying to work all of this out within myself; how to stop criticizing myself and beating myself up for every time I say or think something that may not be perfect. I'm still trying to stop beating myself up for not being as pretty or organized or outgoing or thoughtful as my friends.  I'm still striving to just be content with being me in all of my imperfections; trusting that I'm enough; that I'm good enough the way God made me. It's enough for me to be the best mother I can be; it's enough for me to be the best Christ follower I can be; it's enough for me to be the best wife I can be: somewhere along the line, y'all, it's gotta be enough to just be ourselves. 

If this is something you are struggling with right now, for what it's worth coming from me, resident lady/scholar/heidiva, you are enough. Who you are, just being you, it's more than enough. Just be you. Even when you are feeling deflated, off kilter and sideways; just do the best you can. Enjoy your life: it's worth living and relishing.

In celebration of Little Larry's first birthday on Friday, I thought I would give you a photo montage of my little buddy.

**DISCLAIMER**

If you've never seen the "Mr. Peepers" sketch on Saturday Night Live from the mid to late nineties this may not be funny to you.

There's a face this momma could love! Just precious.

He loves to give kisses.

Okay, so the pictures above are not really my kid. Shocker, right? But recently, he's done a new thing where he clings to us like he's a little monkey, throws half eaten food when he tires of it, and is constantly giving open mouthed kisses.  Basically, he's the most beautiful and wonderful boy ever. I can hardly believe a year has flown by; it has gone by so quickly that I'm beginning to wonder if I was even awake for it! Happy early first birthday to the happiest and brightest boy I know. I'll take all the sloppy kisses you'll give me. 

How funny, right? No lie, it's the meanest e-cards that crack me up the most. Those are also the ones that I want to be reflected in my life the least. So while this whole revenge being ice cream thing is funny on the surface it is not something I want to live out. The truth of the matter is that revenge is not sweet. It's bitter, it's hard, it's hurtful; revenge may feel good on the surface, but much like ice cream, it leaves us fatter, colder, and more empty than when we began.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

Hebrews 12:1

Revenge is a weight that easily clings to us. It will drag us down and pin us to the ground if we let it. We weren't meant to seek revenge; it is not our place. So that lady that put her cart behind my car while I was putting my cart away; maybe I shouldn't roll it into the side of her car while she's driving away. Maybe I ought to be a good example to my witnesses (namely, the mini diva) and simply put it away and extend some grace. While I want to yell at the lady for being so discourteous; it does not make a good example for my children, her child, the Walmart parking lot, and more than that, it makes me feel gross to be rude. Just like ice cream: I want to eat the whole pint, but it's going to make me feel sick once I've done the deed. Life is easier if I altogether avoid Ben & Jerry. (I hear you screaming, "Blasphemy!!!" Ha!)

Be encouraged today: lose the weight. Choose how you respond wisely; after all, you've got witnesses. Are they going to testify that you were innocent or that you were just as bad as the original offender? One little story then I'm stopping for now: The mini diva and I were on our way to Starbucks yesterday (where else would we have a girl date?) when there were some cars in front of us driving at snail speed. Seriously, I think I saw an earthworm pass us. I was being fairly patient; mini me, however, was unhappy with the pace of traffic. So, she did what I typically do. She yelled, "C'mon, guys! Move it!" Yikes. Talk about a reality check. 

If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Romans 12:18

I challenge you to choose peace over revenge. It's worth it to be sweet and filled with peace instead of anger and regret. Just try it, you might like it. :)