I Don't Know

 For years I struggled with anxiety, worry, and depression. Back in the day when I had overcome the major hurdles of depression (thank you Jesus!) and I still worked at the shoe store (I bled black & white stripes) I would become overwhelmed. And eventually I allowed the stress to get to the point that I had psoriasis-like symptoms and my hair started falling out. Not something that twenty year old girls want to be sporting, let me tell you.

But what was I stressing about? I worked in a stressful environment; but it was honestly easy enough to resolve if I would have just gotten out of my own head and done what I knew I should do. Whatever that was back then; I don't even remember all of the issues my store had back then. My trainer joked that I just stressed about being stressed.

Did I remember to worry about how I angle the shoes on the wall??

He was right. But I either didn't want to believe it or I somehow thought my emotions were too complex for him. Probably a little bit of both. That whole stressing over stress and not really knowing the root cause followed me even after I became a Christian. For longer than I care to admit. But I will. It wasn't until last year that I was finally delivered of the "I don't knows" as I call them. 

It's when you feel that sense of dread: but you don't know why. You are anxious or overwhelmed; but you can't remember why. You are crying and hysterical: but you just can't figure out what is wrong with you. Imagine how much fun that was for my husband as a newlywed. Oh yeah, he loved it! And I felt like I was crazy and he would grow to resent me. (Spoiler alert: he learned me and how to handle me. Handle me: like I'm a wild animal or something!)

My husband is a brave man. He asked me what was wrong: I DON'T KNOW!!

I couldn't tell you exactly when God delivered me of confusion and anxiety: but he did. A pivotal moment though was when I finally absorbed a scripture that followed one of my previous favorites (one that I clung to while I was in turmoil over who knows what). 

Beloved, if our hearts condemn us not, then have we confidence towards God. 

1 John 2:21 KJV

The scripture that I had clung to before was this:

For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.

1 John 2:20

For eight years I clung to the promise that God is greater than my heart. When I don't know what is wrong; when I feel like I am losing my mind; when for some reason I feel like I need to be anxious over what only God knows; he is greater than my heart and knows all things. He knew the source and he knew the why's. And the word condemn described what I experienced well: I was condemned to be miserable because I don't do things as well as other people. Because of my parents. Because I didn't go to college. Because my boyfriend dumped me. Because I didn't say the right thing at the right time. Because I wasn't as good at singing or counting or spelling or doing or serving or remembering or shopping or beautifying or selling or speaking or saving or dancing or... See? I'd pin that feeling of worry or stress or misery on something in which I felt inadequate. The sad thing is that some of the things I blamed myself for I wasn't even expected to do. Even sadder is the fact that I'm pretty good at a lot of the things in which I thought I just didn't add up. 

With moves like this who has room for worry? 

But then the truth set me free. I read what came after 1 John 2:20. If I put my confidence in God then my heart won't condemn me. If my hope and confidence and trust are in him and not my doings or undoings then my heart won't have a way to condemn me. It won't be able to trick me or confuse me into worrying because my confidence is in Jesus Christ. It won't be able to make me think I should be stressed because if my confidence is in God then why would I stress? If I say my confidence is in him then that means I believe him when he tells me to cast my cares on him because he cares for me. I believe him when he says that I can rest in him and he will quiet me with his love and rejoice over me with singing.  

Y'all. That was powerful for me. Realizing that I was allowing habit and old thought processes and the enemy control my mind and thus control my actions was freeing. Realizing that I did not have to spend my life shadowboxing: fighting things that weren't even there. Realizing I was worried about things that weren't even real... It gave me boldness to not believe the confusion or hype. To not be afraid of what the Bible describes as sudden fear.

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

1 Corinthians 14:33

Sudden fear, confusion, anxiety, worry... Not of God. He is the God of peace. Peace is described by Merriam Webster as: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. When a thought comes that would oppress you and bind you to the point that you just don't know: reject it. My pastor preached on how to pray this past week and he taught that to pray properly we need to learn how to listen. That struck me and so I've been determined to listen better. And as I'm listening I've come to realize how many times that I will still suddenly become anxious and when I question the thought as to why I am stressed the answer is: I don't know. So I renounce it immediately. No way am I going to occupy my time pondering and dwelling in anxiety and being disquieted for no good reason. God is freeing me more and more from the confusion of the "I don't knows" and the torment that comes along with them.

Let me urge you and encourage you: if you have a disquieting or oppressive thought and there is no rhyme or reason to it, dismiss it. You have my permission. Not enough for you? You have the authority in Jesus to reject the emotion. Recognize it and then deal with it. Here's how:

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6,7 NLT

Is it easy? Not always. Is it better than dwelling in torment? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Try it and see.

Be free!

Snap Out Of It!

When I was little my mom loved Cher. She still does, I'm sure, but when I was little my mom had control over the radio and VCR. And she loved Cher's comeback and adored the movie Moonstruck. You know: the one where she has a fabulous gray streak and Nicholas Cage (her fiance's brother-tsk tsk) falls for her? My hands down favorite part is when he is declaring his love for her (or was it when he proposed?) and she snaps at him exasperatedly with the winning line, "Snap out of it!"

How can you be mad at a baby faced Nick Cage? 

My daughter recently pushed me over the brink. And the tipping point wasn't even anything horrible: just a culmination of irritations that only Jesus and a peanut butter cup could handle. And an ice cold Coca Cola. Anyways. I'm not sure if I said it or just thought it but the phrase, "what is wrong with you?" kept coming up. Once the storm calmed and forgiveness and hugs and snuggles were exchanged that thought popped up again. What is wrong with my kids? What is wrong with me?

Isn't she sweet when she's fake sleeping? My little comedienne.

Can I give you my opinion? I'm going to anyways so if you don't want it, stop reading right here. :) 

Nothing's wrong with my kids. Absolutely nothing. They are normal and healthy and are pushing limits just like they are supposed to. My mini diva isn't driving me nuts for naught; nope, there is purpose behind it. She's growing more and more independent and needs to know what boundaries are going to be enforced. And it's my job to teach her and Little Larry discipline and grace and forgiveness and obedience. Like I'm qualified for that. Seriously! I was given a toddler Sunday School class to teach and let me tell you: they're a tough crowd. Major love to all the teachers out there! You are a special breed.

So what about me? What is wrong with me to respond and react in a harsh manner? Because this girl does not like having to retrieve groceries and new clothes out of the trash. I do not relish vacuuming and sweeping weekly, let alone the twice or thrice a day required in this household. And you know what else? Mopping up a flooded bathroom is not my cup of tea. Especially when the mini diva was directly instructed to not splash. We won't even go into what they do attitude wise. I want to say they get it from their daddy.. But I didn't get the moniker Heidiva for no reason.

I need this in my life. Stat.

I'm getting sidetracked. And irritated that my floor is already covered, yet again, in cheerios. Cheerios that I did not give them. May I venture to say that there isn't anything wrong with me, either? Yeah, I said it. Someone messes with your stuff and you get agitated. Someone close talks you all day long everyday? You are more than likely going to need to just walk away at some point. Just like my children are learning and craving guidance as they grow: so am I. I'm learning to be the momma they need. I'm learning to be the wife and friend and sister and daughter and disciple and servant and worker that I have been created to be. 

You can't teach creativity like that. Lord, keep me from stifling Little Larry!

You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands.

Psalm 119:73 NLT

We were made by God, for God, for his good pleasure. There is a worship leader named Karen Walker Smith who I just love. If you haven't heard her testimony; check it out on YouTube. It's beautiful. In it she talks about how much we are loved by God. If we could grab a hold that he knows how frail we are, he knows how strong we are, and he knows what we have yet to master or learn. And he still loves us. And as I learn more and more that it isn't so much in my performance but my heart that I gain the good sense to follow his commands. Yet I'm human and still fall short. I'm so thankful that God does not condemn me when I mess up. Because I'd have been a goner a long time ago if that were the case.

Moral of the story: learning does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It means there is a lesson you haven't yet grasped or been taught. Let's give ourselves some grace. Let's stop fighting being taught and taking being schooled as a sucker punch and take it for what it is: grace and goodness. It's a good thing to learn how to do better. It's a good thing to realize that though you are flawed you are still worth teaching. Let's make a deal, you and me. Next time we go the wrong way or say what we ought not to, instead of condemning ourselves let's learn. And have the sense to do better the next time. And if (well, for me it's when) we fail again let's just try again. 

Her brows get the Heidiva seal of approval. Glorious.

If you're caught in a bit of an emotional roller coaster or tug of war at the moment you have my permission to snap out of it! 

Where Do I Fit?

Where do I fit.. That is a question I've been asking or pondering for a few months now. Lord, where do I fit in? Where is my spot? I know where I belong in my family but with everything else it seems so up in the air. I recently started working for a realtor (who is a fantastic boss and so much more gracious to me than I deserve) and I love the work; but my role is shifting and changing. I enjoy the flexibility and the education: but where do I fit? 

Those of you who know me personally and talk with me regularly probably know that my family made the decision to move to a different church. Which was a HUGE decision. We left the church we were married in and dedicated our babies in and the church where the people were our surrogate family and stepped in when our relatives couldn't. We left the church where we had positions and roles and jobs. 

But it was the right thing to do. My husband and I knew the Lord was leading us elsewhere and we promised God a long time ago to follow him. So we did. And we are glad for it: we are at peace and awe at how he is working in our lives.

Yet still the question: where do I fit? In our new church: where do I fit? With our friends: where do I fit? With my job: where do I fit?

Somehow I don't think it's that simple. Or maybe it is?

Have you ever seen the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen?" It's a cute family movie. There is a specific part in the movie that has always struck my heart. One of the middle sons was anxious over his spot in his family. His siblings teased him and called him FedEx saying the FedEx man dropped him off: he didn't really belong to them. His mother's response? She pulled him close, albeit absent-mindedly, and as she drew him to herself she said, "You fit. You fit right here." Awe! Melts my heart.

Look at that cutie! Who cares if he was dropped of by the FedEx man?

That's what I hear the Lord saying. Right here, Heidi, right here. You fit right here, next to my heart. And it melts me. In the midst of what could be confusion and chaos I can know that regardless of where I am or work: I fit. I fit next to God's heart.

Which brings me to...

How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me.

Matthew 23:37 NLT

What a good momma hen: all you see are their little feet and even then you have to squint!

Jesus was lamenting over Jerusalem who turned away from him instead of towards him; and thus taught their children to do the same. I don't want to be so busy finding "my spot" to work and do good deeds that I forget to just be who God made me to be and let the works come from there. I don't want to teach my children that fitting in is Godliness. I want to teach them that they fit beneath his wings. They don't have to be the brightest or the best or the most well mannered or eloquent to fit in the heart of Jesus; or my heart, either, for that matter. And if one of my greatest desires is just for my children to be secure in knowing that just being themselves and having a heart for God is enough then I ought to live it. No matter what people say or think of me. No matter if I hold a position (that can be quickly revoked) or status. No matter what: I fit.

P.S. You do too. Right beneath the wings of Jesus, next to the warmth and comfort of his heart.